Hey, thanks for your words here. I wanted to delete this post the day after writing it, thinking it was just rambling. Good to see someone else out there who can relate.
I went to a meeting today, first na meeting in about 5 years. AA meetings were never quite the right fit, always a step off-beat. Good people there to be sure. Probably not a sponsor though. Most of the 11 in attendance have less clean time than I do, are younger than me, and while working the program well, some for years, they seemed to be struggling with things quite different than myself. I won't let that stall me out. There was one person, with 10 years clean, who seemed stable and approachable. I'll return next week and perhaps find a way to talk with him, see if he can connect me with a sponsor outside that small group. (I'd ask him, he seems ideal for the person I'd like to find as a sponsor, but it's my understanding that a sponsor is supposed to be of the same sex.)
So we keep working at proceeding forward. Best to you in your pursuits as well.