Awesome share, LifeRecovery!
I've obsessed this one and as it applies to my beloved AW I've found peace for now through the following chain....
1. I should not trust someone who has betrayed my trust until I believe they have changed
2. I can't believe you've changed if I don't see remorse and amends
3. I can't see remorse if you don't tell me WHAT you are sorry for, WHY you are sorry and HOW MUCH it means to you.
Some other things I'm learning (would say learned but that implies perfection, I'm learning and my view will change with time)...
1. If I reject the good things you do today because of the past wrongs or future fears which may never happen then you can't make amends, I can't forgive and life will be so miserable that you would be well advised to leave me.
2. I am not required to give you a second chance. If I do, then I AM RESPONSIBLE for that decision and responsible for allowing you to make things right. That means no throwing the past in your face. The past is reason to verify and doubt, not an excuse for beating you down with guilt and shame. If you do what I asked and you promised and I reject it then I am not trustworthy,
3. I need to put myself in your shoes. Maybe right now I am the good guy but nobody likes self righteousness. I should treat you fairly and with respect. I should show gratitude and not withhold praise as we go. Not just when the debt is repaid.
4. I need to be willing, in my own time, to tell you the debt is paid in full and retired. I need you to regain equal footing eventually because it is better for me if younhavevsel esteem and don't feel like less than me. If I hold onto this trump card and throw it down whenever I am losing an argument on the merits then I am an *******.
5. I need to forgive you AND myself andvaskmfor your forgiveness. Whether my sins were lesser or greater is secondary, I need to remember and own the crap I do and make amends even as I ask you to make amends.
Liz, this is tough but for me humility has been key. I hate feeling like nothing is good enough. Pound me for past sins long enough, after I've made up for it ten times over and hold it over my head and eventually I stop trying and my remors will turn into resentment.
My therapist gave me a great tool: drop the rope if you are in a tug of war. The other person has to stop pulling to or else they fall on their ass and look foolish.
I resent feeling like I am always the one dropping the rope first but that's pride and my desire to be vindicated and right. Right and miserable sucks, I want happy.
I've found that the more right I am when I drop the rope the more impact it has and the more dramatic the shift from defensive to remorseful in my wife becomes. I asked my therapist if that was manipulative (a trait that scares me in myself, way too good at it). He said everyone manipulates and it's only bad if it is done to put the other person at a disadvantage - so being the one to apologize when the other person is wrong isn't the bad kind, turning stuff around on them or yelling when you know you are wrong is the bad kind. Intent matters ;-). Humility and grace are hard to get mad at. Haughtiness is infuriating.