djayr

Hi Everyone:

I am at the tail end of an 18 year marriage to AW. We have been living separately for 6 months and the last 2 years have been a hell ride featuring AW's bad decisions, questionable relationships and "I love you" text messages with other men, medical problems, and all kinds of other vodka-fueled drama.

I filed for legal separation one year ago, and very recently I gave AW a nice printout called "Converting from Legal Separation to Divorce: What This Means for You". I intended to convert to a divorce, which is a big deal because it will force the sale of our house where AW has been living, forcing her to find a different place to live, breaking up our possessions and dividing our lives once and for all.

I figured, I have nothing to lose by doing this, she is still drinking and heading in a bad direction, as my motto says, "nothing changes if nothing changes".

The more I thought about being divorced and no longer owning a home with AW, the better I started to feel. I would be more detached, I would feel a greater sense of control over my own future, hopes and dreams, and most of all, I would not be frustrated, bitter, or angry. I could just grieve and let go. I pictured myself giving her a clean slate, and we could be friends, and this was appealing to me.

All of that "blew up" 9 days ago when she collapsed from alcoholic starvation and a bruise on her brain. A dramatic sequence of events got her to the emergency room, and she came extremely close to dying.

Seeing her emaciated, thin, confused, and basically dead, hurt me terribly. In a private moment, I fell down on my face and broke down in tears. I begged the Good Lord to PLEASE save AW, please help her, please . . . and I prayed as earnestly and honestly as I ever have.

So here we are: God has saved AW. She's about 70% better physically and 90% better mentally, she is sober, talking recovery, saying she's "done", and she's being really, really nice. I can't help but feel proud of her, or at least happy that she is OK. It's a medical miracle, this is like the 7th time this has happened -- this one is the 2nd worst of all time.

So I have big time deja vu -- in a bad way. I am being reminded of the "zillions" of times I have been in a hospital trying to encourage AW to get better. As a huge codie people pleaser, I can only seem to say nice things like "way to go" and "you're doing great".

But OH MY GOD I AM SO SCARED of getting drawn back in with this woman! It feels weird, because when she is sober she is harmless as a bunny rabbit. It feels weird, because I am agitated and freaking out and fearful of the future, just as she is getting nice and sober! I should be happy, but no, instead I am SCARED.

I swore to myself, possibly even on these board, never, ever, EVER am I going for another ride with AW on the vodka crazy train again, because I end up getting hurt. The last 2 years have just been the worst.

I am so confused at this point. Why did God save her? Why did I pray so earnestly for her to live, when part of me feels life would be simpler if she would just die? Does the timing mean anything? I was just about to go for a final divorce, perhaps now I should delay? Or maybe I should file papers, have her served, and keep the process going forward anyway?

It is unspeakably difficult for me to face this sober, kind, trying-to-recover woman, in a hospital, at Christmas, to tell her I don't want to be married anymore. I really don't think I do.

She's doing too little, too late -- right?

I know I need boundaries, I am going to Al Anon 2X per week and I have another support group as well. I'm not alone trying to figure this out, but anyone who wants to share their ESH with me right now, I need it bad. I love this woman when she is sober, but her vodka drinking has put me throught the meat grinder which is why I am twisted up like a pretzel at the moment.

Thanks for listening.