Thank you so much for the reply. I totally see your point but. . . to be clear, I'm not concerned about the people who don't (IMO) work the steps (i.e. someone who keyed your car and then says they've finished the 9th step but they haven't made you an amend. . . who cares?) or even the non-alkies (IMO we have one or two of those; slightly bothersome but whatever); it's the fact that someone can sound great Wednesday and end up dead Thursday that worries me.
This guy was almost 20 years sober and looked up to by a lot of people. I'm not convinced that a "chat about honesty wouldn't have stopped him". Maybe it could have. I feel like the group might have failed him; that he might not have felt comfortable opening up in an environment where it's so important to "sound good".
I can be very deluded about my motives sometimes, but I'm pretty sure that's why I'm bothered. (Which is very different from the 'I make all my amends, why don't these people have to make them' feeling which I've definitely had before as well. That you just 10-step and move on.) I absolutely *adored* this guy (and there are very few people whom I adore) and he had it all going on by outward appearances. . . I just feel like there's something I could have done, or that the group could have done, so that he didn't have to die.
It's most definitely not my place or my desire to take on the role of "honesty cop". . . but I can't help but wonder if my group's character is hurting people. If there's something I can do about that, I must do it.