Step 4: Holy $*#!
No one warned me that taking a personal inventory would be like detoxing, or what I imagine it might be like. This is so nauseating. It seems plausible that letting go would be comforting however it is quite painful so far. There is a strange comfort in acknowledging reality and becoming aware. I realize I have held on to everything and I mean everything. Mentally constipated.
I have not been able to fully let go of my ex for 2 years since his relapse. Even with the time and space and cutting it off. I had to get to this Step 4 to really do the hard work to see how there could never be a possibility for us again. Even in my letting go process, I think I have been hanging on to threads of hope he may be rehabilitated one day or for that matter- that I may be. So I have avoided my life. Granted I don't mean dating and relationships because I already decided that is no longer an option for me anymore. It's more about living the life I am meant to live doing what I love.
Now I realize that I have been fooling myself by hanging on. I see how vulnerable I am and I am going home again in a couple of weeks from overseas. I just have come to accept that alone and with my higher power is where I need to be. I accept that this may not change and that life will continue to change as will I. I just need to stay really far away from him and work through this Step and continue to move on.
Okay, still dizzy from this one. Time to get some rest. Thanks SR for your ears. It's like a private spiritual sanctuary in here. Blessings to all.