here comes Mr. Nice guy, who is not an alcoholic offering a healthy new relationship. And I am working hard not to punish him for what has happened in my past.
Hitting home for me, too.
Not only do I have a past. My new man has a past, too. A marriage to a passive-aggressive woman. So when I forget to start the dryer, he says "I understand that it's mostly my laundry and that I should do it myself" when, in reality, I just spaced it out. Because he still occasionally reacts as if I were his ex. And I do the same thing.
We talk about it. He points out to me (sometimes) when I'm being controlling. We can laugh about it -- like when we're shopping and I say "I forgot juice -- stay here while I go get it!" -- and sometimes I cry about it because it angers me that I still have codie behaviors.
One thing that's easier for me is that we've known each other for forever, and he's completely aware of what my first marriage was like. So I don't have a reason to pretend that I'm any different than I am, or that I'm less scratched up and worn out than I am. I think dating a new person, it would be hard for me to not want to... put the past behind me and pretend it wasn't as bad as it was, kwim?
Honesty. That's what we're practicing. And it's hard as hell when you're used to any honesty or vulnerability being used against you. But it's working pretty well. I've also gotten used to
explicitly telling him what I need -- as in "I know you may disagree but right now, I'm too vulnerable to handle criticism, so can you please just listen and pat me on the back even if you think I handled this wrong?"