Originally Posted by
applecake 
I cannot describe the liberation I felt in making my Big Plan. ...
For the last week or so, I found myself thinking more about spirits. I recognized this as beast activity, and tried to simply acknowledge it and move on. Friday evening, while on the table during a massage, I began thinking about how much I wanted a bourbon and coke. And I actually had the thought, "Oh hello, beast. That's you, isn't it?" I was able to separate Friday and go on with my massage and my evening.
Yesterday, however, was a different story. I haven't felt that low or despondent or bad about myself in a long time. I wondered whether it was hormones. I wondered whether it was anxiety. I wondered whether it was fear. Could it be loneliness? Why did I feel like I was experiencing a tremendous loss? Why was I sobbing uncontrollably?
Well, I'm sorry to say that the beast won. Even though I knew what would likely happen, I walked myself into a liquor store, bought the largest bottle of bourbon they sold, and I came home and proceeded to drink myself silly. I was never able to disassociate yesterday from those desperate feelings. I just wanted them to go away.
Hi Applecake,
First, I commend you for your limited posting. Not that posting a lot is bad, it's just that I see you using the tool of these forums very wisely, and there's a lot for us to do in life, especially when we've just ended a horribly invasive bad habit. (But don't let this comment hold you back from further posting.)
You describe very well your thinking and what happened.
I think you didn't really make a Big Plan yet, even though it might have felt like it.
When one makes a Big Plan, that plan then becomes the ONLY and ABSOLUTE reason to stay stopped. That may sound odd, but that's why I snipped all the good things that were happening to you that you posted right after you mentioned you made a Big Plan.
We don't stay stopped because those good things are happening. We stay stopped because we made the Big Plan and it doesn't matter WHAT HAPPENS (lottery, hurricane, injury, anything) around us or to us, we simply don't drink ever again because we vowed not to. This is a quite personal thing. You will know when you've made such a vow (and no one else will ever know for sure).
But now I'll refer back to all the good things that happen to you from quitting. When people quit for any specific length of time all those good things are truly remarkable and desirable. THEY ARE THE REASONS TO MAKE A BIG PLAN. "I want this abstinent life to keep happening!!"
So, as you understand what a Big Plan is, you can make it any time you want (when you're in an unmindaltered state).
GT
PS. Consider getting a hold of a copy of
Rational Recovery: The New Cure by Jack Trimpey. It's formatted with actions, bullet points, etc. that are very useful.