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Hello all. Thanks to this wonderful site, I found out about RR and AVRT a little over a month ago, and I cannot describe the liberation I felt in making my Big Plan. For the first time in a long time, I had some of my self-esteem back, and I felt like I had some control over things again. I didn't feel like a complete loser. I was actually able to attend a couple of parties where alcohol was being served and enjoy sparkling water or tonic water. I ordered it without shame. And I was really enjoying the sleep that was starting to come with sobriety. Physically, I was starting to notice that I was feeling better.

For the last week or so, I found myself thinking more about spirits. I recognized this as beast activity, and tried to simply acknowledge it and move on. Friday evening, while on the table during a massage, I began thinking about how much I wanted a bourbon and coke. And I actually had the thought, "Oh hello, beast. That's you, isn't it?" I was able to separate Friday and go on with my massage and my evening.

Yesterday, however, was a different story. I haven't felt that low or despondent or bad about myself in a long time. I wondered whether it was hormones. I wondered whether it was anxiety. I wondered whether it was fear. Could it be loneliness? Why did I feel like I was experiencing a tremendous loss? Why was I sobbing uncontrollably?

Well, I'm sorry to say that the beast won. Even though I knew what would likely happen, I walked myself into a liquor store, bought the largest bottle of bourbon they sold, and I came home and proceeded to drink myself silly. I was never able to disassociate yesterday from those desperate feelings. I just wanted them to go away.

I'm sure I'm not the only RRer to succumb to the beast, but I haven't seen anything written about it. What now? I know that RR and the Big Plan leave no room for slips, so how do I reconcile this experience with the bigger goal of a life free from the insanity?