I'm so so sorry to hear this sad news, Pam. I wish it all wasn't happening. I'm so happy to hear you've reached out to your psychotherapist, and you're sharing here now. These reach outs are so very important and wise.
Not that anything anybody says is magically going to change things, it's in the sharing that burdens are often lightened, and fresh eyes and ears can often create new ideas and greater awareness of available choices.
Those little drinks, little sips, are not the best choice, as you already know. It's fear that makes us do what we know dosen't help, because sometimes all we have is wanting to just feel less hurt, less scared.
I understand your scared, and you know it yourself. You also know you've had better days, feeling less scared, and those feelings are there inside you too. You have real courage, Pam. You do.
Externally, things are very stressed and serious, and stretched. You can give yourself a break by not being overly responsible for everything that is being piled onto you. Sure, you do have professional and family obligations and responsibilities, and these must be met, but I feel like you are doing more than your share, taking on more then is reasonable.
I would hope you can delegate some of the required efforts to resolve the ongoing challenges. There is no need to suffer this much, Pam. None of us are one-man-armies. We are not machines, as you know all to well.
I hope resolutions come about ASAP, Pam.