So scared.
My beloved father has stroked and is almost vegetative, my 92 y.o. Mom will need to move into assisted living. My older sister and brother are hanging onto me like I am now the Patriarch of the family. I feel their talons clawing into me. I have always been the baby of the family....now I am in charge????
Overdosing on work - this is the busiest time of the year for me. My admin. assist. had a pulmonary emboli and is out for an unknown period of time. Papers to write, edit, schedule, clinical, patients, patients, people hanging on me to do something for them. To help them. To fix them.
I am drinking. Small amounts, only at night, when everyone is in bed. Hiding it. Drinking does not make my burden less, it increases it. I know this.
I am so scared. My strength is being smothered by anxiety, obligations and worries.
I can not go back to where I was a year ago - suicidal, depressed beyond comprehension. My husband is buying a gun - he wants to take shooting lessons. If I go back to where I was a year ago, I will put it to my head and pull the trigger.
Maybe posting this will help me. I LOVE sobriety and am so scared. I have told my psychotherapist - she is helping me help myself.
Thanks for listening.
Pam
