Thank you everyone for helping me get through the first of the weakness moments.
I just wanted to give a bit more history on the event that lead up to the separation.
To start with i snooped. i snooped through bank accounts Facebook and text messages. who can honestly say they trust their Alcoholic Partner. I'm not proud of what i did but i did it.
At the time she understood that her drinking is what made me do it. and at the time she was sorry for it, and we were working on it.
couple days later she goes and talks to her mum and i could tell she had something on her mind she wanted to say but gave her some time.
Then tuesday night. she had already decided she was going to get drunk. it was pay day and it was her thing that she did *sigh* after having a horrid month at work i decided I was going to have a drink myself.
got home she was drunk . everything was good for the first hour or so. she had to use my phone to call up about the tickets to a concert she was going to during our trip interstate (the one part of the trip she had any part in organizing, including organising to sleep on a strangers couch accepting drugs from said stranger and getting p***ed at me when i told her to be careful she doesn't know him) she used my phone and saw my ex's name near the top of the recent call list. my ex is the mother of two of my kids.
This started into She is not welcome in my home, i dont want to you talk to her and i dont want to hear her name.
Tough she is in my life and we have kids together so she will always be around and i will always talk to her for my boys.
then the facebook snooping topic came up. and "
my mum told me to throw you out because you cant be trusted" blah blah blah. so she did. she told me that i should leave because im not sleeping there tonight.
Start to explain why my ex was at the top of the recent calls list. the whole i dont have anyone else i talk to, no friends etc etc, then i say i dont even talk to my mum any more because of you.
to which i get a lovely "Good she is a F**ing B*^$h!. i then take her request and leave, ignoring her angry pleading for me to stay.
spend the night in the car and under my desk at work.
made an appointment and followed through seeing a shrink the next day, as soon as the shrink closed the door the tears came flowing and couldnt be stopped.
The shrink made me look at the things i did right that night.
making sure i ate, was safe did something productive and saw her for help. and not going back that night.
The next night i stayed at my sisters house. found out she spent the night drunk, high and naked with a group of her friends and random friends, fell down the stairs massive hole in the wall and my fave posted came crashing down of top of her shattering the glass, blood and glass all over the place etc etc.
that was when i decided i am never going back.
if i had only just met her and heard about that i wouldnt want her.
i dont want someone that would even think of doing that when still in a relationship.
i dont want someone that still feels that i got busted snooping and ran away when i was confronted with it.
i dont want someone that plays the victim after causing all the mess.
there is so much more as i am sure you would all know, after all the song is the same but the words change for everyone in this situation.
she got home sunday night to a house empty of 90% of my things, and i realised that place was never my home. after removing my stuff there was hardly a dent in the place.
I am just glad that I am out. and once i get my car back from there as well I am not going to be talking to her, she almost killed me, i was thinking of ending it all on the tuesday night. but i didnt.
I had just hit rock bottom, and i am now rebuilding.
Thank you so much it truly is wonderful to know that I have this place to post to.