Hi - I totally relate to this. It took me 56 years to finally admit that I had more than a drinking "problem" (denial/or lie) - that i was an alcoholic(the truth). The difference this time is that I KNOW that I cannot control - whereas every time before I thought I could. Step 1 (AA) for me was the hardest but there is some kind of freedom in calling it a life threatening brain disease that I have no control over. I have a foundation now. I am responsible for it. Now I can get on with the rest of the steps and the rest of a sober life. When I got "real" about this I told a lot of people - whereas before I never told anyone. Now I'm accountable and go to AA regularly. Big difference in the way I am already.
Audra