Tuffgirl

...but most necessary!

My Mom is mentally ill. Severely bi-polar and in the midst of a major manic episode. When she gets manic like this, she drinks like there's no tomorrow, and it makes her even more irrational and mean. I told her on Wednesday I was not picking her up and taking her to Thanksgiving dinner at my sister-in-law's family's home. That she was not welcome to ruin our holiday by belittling us and embarrassing us in front of this family. That being "crazy" was her choice, not ours, and we didn't have to subject ourselves to her choice if we don't want to.

Right thing to do? Yes. Painful to say to one's Mother? YES! Ok, so I know she's sick, and I try my best to have compassion, but I had to set a boundary and follow through with it. As long as she remains un-medicated and drunk, she is not allowed in my life.

She sent out a hate e-mail, to my siblings and some random "friends" that she somehow finds when she's manic, even though she is also severely agoraphobic and hasn't left the house but a handful of times since late August.

So I have choices here. I can not react to any of it, stand my ground, and let go of the guilt of feeling as if I have done something wrong. Or I can wallow in it and take it all personally.

Thank God for my recovery. I am choosing the former. And every time I start to trash talk myself for being "mean" to my Mother, I stop, rewind, and turn off those voices in my head. It's a physical act, deciding not to buy into this kind of crap anymore. To not be upset by it, or feel responsible for it somehow. I make myself do it; it is an action I take to protect myself and my serenity.

You see, we don't just magically "get better". We make ourselves, through our commitment to not live an unmanageable life anymore. To accept reality as it is and not fight it as if we have some power to change others. My Mom is mentally ill, and most likely alcohol dependent at this point in her life. She won't get better until and unless she chooses that path. The only control I have over this is limiting my exposure to it.

The moral of my story today: following the theme of some threads here this week, it does get better, when we choose to make that happen. When we can decide for ourselves what is good for us, and not worry about anyone else. To decide what others' think of us is none of our business. That we are our own best friend. To treat ourselves with respect, regardless of what others' do.

My Mom may or may not get through this. I accept that, even with a sad heart. For today, this is my reality, I've done the best I can, and the rest is in God's hands. It really is that simple. And what a good feeling it is to let that go! My life is waiting...!

Peace to all today,
~T