Dear stigmatized--this is my personal take on the "send or no send" issue.
It is normal to feel angry when you find yourself on the short end of a relationship. I don't think you would be normal if you weren't angry! (I have been in your shoes--of expressing anger to my As for the pain they inflicted on me). So, I have experience of how it goes....
I suggest writing the letter---making sure that you stick to
1) what he did, and (2) how you FELT when he did the hurtful action/words, etc... AS MadeOfGlass warned: Do not give him ammunition to use back on You!!!! Keep it simple. WHAT HE DID/HOW YOU FELT.
After writing it---sit on it for a while. Reread it every 2 days, or so. Then send it, if you want. If not, hold on to it---you can reread it or send it at whatever future date you may decide.
This is my reasoning--based on my personal experience. First--this is about you and what is in your best interest. You cannot count on anything from him***NOTHING.
The As are pretty much incapable of facing the reality of the pain and destruction that they have visited on others. Remember that they have used alcohol to shield themselves from all uncomfortable feelings and emotions for a very long time. Furthermore, they generally suffer from low self esteem and do not have the ego-strength to accept that they may have done wrong. So, when confronted, they most often defend themselves by becoming angry and projecting everything onto the person confronting them. They will attack back viciously and put blame everywhere else rather than taking personal responsibility. Most have to work their sobriety program for some time before they are able to take responsibility.
You must be prepared for this if y ou do send the letter. I am not saying "don't send it"---I am saying to be prepared and do NOT take his reaction personally--but, as another symptom of the disease.
I hope this is of some help to you.
sincerely, dandylion