This was my first post over two years ago, yet here I still am, married to an AH. It has been a quiet co-existence over the past two years. I think I am using "detachment" as an excuse for "put up with it quietly". There have been no dramatic drinking moments, just moments where i KNOW it is happening (I've got that innate knowledge like most of you, particlarly since I am a child of an Alcoholic father).
My 12 yo knows very little, although he recently saw a "bar" search when my AH went on a trip by himself recently and he mentioned it to his sister. He hasn't talked to me about, which tells me he KNOWS AH has a problem.
Do I approach my 12 yo, or do I tell AH to address it. Do I "detach" and not discuss it. Clearly I'm still confused on the detachment piece!
I feel compelled to tell AH but I'm not expecting to manipulate him by going back to AA. I think this whole detachment has put me in the chronically numb state, where we are all quietly co-existing (is this denial?). I don't feel compelled to make a huge move, because I am comfortable (not afraid to leave), and I feel as if I've quietly accepted the fact that he is an active, non-recovering alcoholic and that makes me sad. He is not overtly abusive at all, very quiet, no fights about alcohol, but I'm so disappointed that after so many years of AA that he has chosen this path.
I internalize everything because I'm busy detaching, which unfortunately I think just gives me the excuse of sweeping it under the rug and be numb to it (which is again confusing to me because I have to work on myself and detach).
Is it healthy to be numb to it all? I look back on this first post and think, WOW why did I not leave?! Have I subliminally sent him the message that I'm willing to put up with the fact that he is sneaking around drinking? Does this mean I'm successfully detaching?
There's no fighting, just quiet co-existence. My kids need their Dad but we all need a sober Dad. My kids have not experienced the pain of this, because he hides it so well, far different from my own experience as a kid, so I'm really so confused....thanks for listening...