Hugs to you (((Flo))). You and your RAH sound just like me and my RAH, right down to the no intimacy.
What helps me most is being mindful. I just completed an 8 week mind based stress reduction and it was wonderful.
I have come to realize that my RAH is focusing on himself and working on his recovery "when he feels like it." In some ways you could say he takes it for granted that I'm still around but that's ok for me right now because I am working on me and my recovery as best I can.
I too have trouble with the day to day stuff like cleaning and balancing work and my kids and he helps out with that. In some ways it might just look this way if we were divorced and shared custody of the kids.
I figure the day will come when we are either truly wanting to be with each other or not wanting to be with each other and until that day comes I focus on the moment, even if there are moments when I walk away from RAH.
RAH avoids conflict and sometimes even avoids what he perceives as conflict when there is none there. He makes some pretty insensitive and illogical statements and I no longer get involved when that happens. Of course, my original intentions to connect with him get undone and he most likely is emotionally unavailable. At this point though I think I need to work on my own emotional availability with others in my life. Not sure if I am explaining this but I seem to be uncovering feelings of joy and connection with others that I haven't felt in a long time.
Also I know what you mean about the quiet relapse and I have been able to detach (for the most part) from that although I have let my RAH know when I think he is headed for a relapse and I don't agree when he doesn't do anything to head it off. Last I am pretty sure he was drinking I told him, he wasn't unique in being an alcoholic and if he wants to fool me he can but I am confident he will make the right choice and not drink as alcohol is not going to be part of our family or our relationship.
BTW read the book "Drunkard" by Neil Steinberg and it was eye-opening particularly his in between stopping drinking and true recovery.