Thank you for sharing this, it resonates with me. My story is very similar. I'm a father of two and had the same habits and feelings of worthlessness and feeling like a fraud when I stood in front of that mirror. Especially after I saw their faces the next morning or when I was unable to make their sporting event and lied that I had to work or I was "sick". I was so full of sh*t. But it took me a very long time to realize it, and it seems you're beginning to see it too.
I think it's ok to stand in that mirror and call yourself a fraud and bash your head in for a few moments. The important part of that process, for me anyway, was to make a plan and most importantly, forgive myself. Before I would make a plan and never forgive myself. I may have had days or even weeks of sobriety because I had a good plan, but inside I still felt worthless and that I could never keep it up because I knew I was a bad person.
This last time out, I immediately began to forgive myself and relinquish my deep seeded anger and pain. I did it through meditation, but that's just me. There are countless other ways of taking accountability for your actions, seeing them, and then allowing them to go away through forgiveness and compassion.
You're hurting right now, I just know you are, and I can only guess it's much deeper than your post alludes to. Probably goes right back to your childhood, your parents or maybe even an event. I can only assume here because your pattern was so similar to mine. I was mentally abused as a child and had a pretty horrific upbringing. I have spent 35 years sabotaging my life because I always felt I had better hurt myself first before someone else can. This came as smack to my face and soul.
I have since been working very hard, every day with my own practice, and I'm healing now, every moment just a little more. I wish you well and hope you can open up, take ownership of what you are doing to your daughters and then, most importantly, forgive yourself, knowing deep inside, it's ok and you can win this thing and show your daughters just how wonderful you are.
I hope you find a strong path that works for you, and I do think it's important we all find that path and support. Going this alone just doesn't work, or at least, I've never seen it work with folks like us. Being "like us" is ok by the way. It took me a long time to realize that too. We're not broken at all, we just have something to fight for everyday, which is a beautiful gift most people do not have!
Good luck to you and stay strong
