What does a healthy marriage with an RAH look like?
A lot of us here are here because we want out or left our relationships. I am... still back and forth.
My AH (RAH? I have no idea.) has been out of the house for about two months. DS13 from another relationship, who saw RAH as his "real dad" had been doing fine until this weekend, or so I thought. Everything blew up in my face this weekend when I found out he was acting out, grasping for attention and understanding. Nothing irreparable, but he's clearly feeling abandoned. I set up some interventions for him, counseling in particular, to help out. He sees me as the bad guy -- I kicked his beloved stepdad out. He turned to his actual real dad in private, who has been abusive to me and DS13 in the past, who of course was ready to be DS13's knight in shining armor and threaten me into compliance. All DS13 wants is for AH to come home. Now the explicit threat is that if DS13 isn't happy here, my ex wants to pursue having him move there full time. I can't think of anything worse for DS13 than to change his entire life (and bad for some very specific reasons) while he is in crisis.
It was not fun, not pretty. I feel drained today.
A side issue: My best friend just announced that he and his wife are separating suddenly after almost ten years together. She's leaving, says they're not in love, and wants to look for romance. They have two little boys -- I can't believe she's walking out on them. They were the couple that when someone asked me what I wanted in a relationship I pointed at them. Mutually supportive, not codependent, best friends, functional and conversational arguments. I just... I don't know. It makes me question what I know about relationships.
All night last night after having a long talk with DS13 (which was productive, I think, I hope), I contemplated whether or not I am making all the right decisions, and despite having felt very confident up until now, now I don't know. AH just got a new job which more than doubled his income from last year, and a part of me wants him to move home just so I don't have to work a second job. I want help at home. My kids are struggling and I am struggling to help them or address their needs. My AH (RAH? I DO NOT KNOW AND THIS KILLS ME) made huge strides last year and then capped the year off with a quiet relapse. My emotional needs aren't met in the relationship, but maybe that's my responsibility. Could I keep going like we were? Under what conditions? Me from two weeks ago can't believe me today is asking this stuff.
I got out Codependent No More after seeing a three year old discussion thread on it here recently, and I see myself in it more than ever. I was feeling very good, very healthy, and now I'm wondering whether or not that was just another kind of control, or another place to hide.
I have no idea. I don't know what to do or what to think. Where does codependency end and regular relationship needs begin? What are the lines in the sand that are non-negotiable, clearly places to end things? How do I help my son understand and not hate me?
AGAIN: Al-anon is largely non-existent in my area. I have SR, private counseling, and the library available for us.