Honesty
This is so hard to write. But it is necessary.
I've been drinking.
There really isn't much to say other than that. No excuses, justifications, etc. I chose to drink. Just like before, I chose to stop.
I came home this morning and found a note from my daughters. Before my girls had left for their dad's last night, they left me cupcakes and a note saying "We adore you. You are beautiful and amazing"
In that moment, I realized one thing, well, two things: One: I listened to my AV way more than I listened to them. Two: I'm a fraud.
There is that part of me that still believes I can drink sometimes, that I can balance it. But those cupcakes, sigh, they touched a deep part of me that knows I cannot.
I won't lie. I wanted to be the woman who could go out with friends some times and have a few drinks. I didn't want to be the person who couldn't.
Normal drinkers don't make up lies so that their kids can go with their dad. Normal drinkers don't miss class to go out. Normal drinkers don't spend money they don't have to buy drinks. I sat at the bar last night and listened to people talk. One girl said "Oh, I've had my two beers. Time to go home" Earlier that evening another man finished his one beer and left.
I know what to do to stop. I've always known. I was selfish to not follow through on the promises I made to myself. I'm realizing I am quite selfish.
I'm rambling. I'm actually feeling okay this morning. No withdrawals or even a hangover. Just dealing with seeing myself very clearly and realizing I want to be the woman my daughters see instead. I feel sad, though. Really, really sad. But I know I'm not hopeless. But I am sad. And scared. Really scared.
Cupcakes . . . .sigh. It's amazing what wakes us up huh?