So you are probably going to hear a lot of nonsense from your active husband. First my A hated me and blamed me for everything, when that didn't work, he was begging my forgiveness and promising me the world, and when that didn't work, he'd find some other low blow to try to get me to come down to his level. The worst part for me was realizing that nothing was going to change unless I was the one to make the changes. Waiting for him to change was futile. I got myself into Alanon, took care of me and my two kids the best way I could, and detached from as much nonsense as possible. I said the serenity prayer over and over and over and when he's start being mean and cutting, I'd say Let Go and Let God. Whatever it took to keep my sanity until I was ready and strong enough to do what I needed to in order to take care of me and my two innocent children who didn't ask to be brought into that kind of mess. I hope you can find the strength to keep the focus on you and off of him. I hope he hits his bottom and finally seeks recovery. Hugs to you all.
Best,
Jenny