PerhapsLove

Today I have moved into the sadness stage of my grief process. My AD screwed up yet another chance at leaving her addictions behind. She was kicked out of a potentially wonderful roommate situation because she couldn't stay clean and sober. The roommate called an ambulance three times yesterday and each time, my AD signed herself out of the ER and refused to go to rehab.

She called from the bus station this morning, obviously drunk or under the influence of something. She is going back to the heroin addict she has lived with (at his parents' home) for almost 2 years. The guy who introduced her to heroin and cocaine. The guy who shot her up with an overdose of heroin and tried to "undo" it with a dose of cocaine. She ended up on life support that time.

She said she will go to rehab. She has said that before. She said she is sorry. I believe that, but I know she is doomed to repeat the behavior without professional help. She said she loves me. I know she does.

I worry that she is a sitting duck for those who would do her harm while she is waiting for the bus. But there is nothing I can do. Nothing I can ever do to keep her safe. I remember the little blonde girl happily doing the "Snoopy dance" when she opened Christmas presents. I remember the brilliant student who could have been anything in life she wanted.

I have come to rely on these pages for information and support. I really need this now. I will continue to read and post and go to Al-anon. I will also get professional help for myself.

I have also spoken with my other children and her ex-husband about making plans for her funeral. As morose as it sounds, I want to have plans in place so that the decisions are mechanical and I don't have to make them in such intense pain when/if necessary. That is how sad I feel today. I know it will get better.