Sorry to everyone who had replied. I had another rough night last night and got to a point where I just didn’t want to address what I was feeling. Sometimes I have to try my hardest to just put all the b.s on the shelf and not look at it for a bit so to speak.
Mistrust: What you have said is helpful. I will read the online info. I just really wanted response to my story I don’t know if that’s pathetic or not but sometimes it’s like I just need to unload my brain. I should go back to Al-anon because you’re right it isn’t about him. It needs to be about getting me better. I don’t think he understands that it has been just as much a process for me of learning how to live without having him in my life and taking care of him. I never knew about him doing drugs but every time he was sick I was the one taking care of him even though I thought it was diabetes related. You said “Wouldn't I spend quite a bit of my time and energy worrying about what might happen? Wouldn't you if you and he got back together? “ And this is definitely right. I would be back to not trusting him babysitting him basically. That isn’t happier than what I am right now. Also, you hit it dead on it is like my own little relapse, but of being devastated. After I have those moments I feel so stupid, because I have a lot in life to be grateful for but sometimes when I’m in a dark place I can’t see that nor do I want to. Thanks again for replying to me.
Mfox: Thanks to you as well for replying. I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve lost someone that you loved. I’m not considering having children with this man now not even slightly. I’m 22, I want to be a lot older when I have children. But my concern is if you date an addict can they have children down the road? The reason this is a question to me is because I want to have kids, that is a non-negotiable to me. Before when him and I were actually together I thought I could still have it all. But it doesn’t seem like I can? Thank you so much for replying to me. I’m sure if you’ve written a post you understand how much it means when people actually take the time to reply to you.
Eveleivible: “So basically addicts dont deserve relationships then as all they do is inflict suffering?” I don’t think that personally, but I think it is hard to forgive but even harder to forget. This is one of the biggest things that I struggle with. Maybe I am naïve to say that I don’t think my ex-boyfriend should be excluded from life just because he is an addict. But personally for me I don’t know how smart it would be to forgive what has happened or accept it and be with him. Like someone previously had said I must be asking questions only I can answer. I just wish someone could tell me all of the right answers. Thanks for replying to my post.
Mfox: Thank you so much for what you said. This experience has made me realize that I know nothing about myself or who I am anymore. Maybe part of the reason I so desperately want what I had with him back sometimes is because I knew what I wanted and I thought I knew who I was when him and I were together. Nothing you said was too harsh or bitter I need to hear this stuff. I thought your advice was great. I am trying my hardest to ‘do me’ but I’m struggling to know how. Everyone I know has their own life and is wrapped up in their own things, which is completely understandable, I used to be too. So I just have been feeling very lost, struggling with figuring myself out. I guess I just wish I could know what the future would hold because like you question his commitment to sobriety I do too. It is hard to know when someone is finally serious or if you’re just being manipulated yet again. When I wrote him back in the letter I guaranteed him not now. But for some reason since I put the letter in the mail I’ve been questioning myself, but I know the right thing to do is to let this play out. Let our lives play out separately for the time being and I guess if we meet again we do and if not it wasn’t meant to be. I’m trying to remember myself and take care of myself. But for such a long time I’ve been taking care of him whenever he was sick, and you all probably think I’m stupid for not knowing it was withdrawals but I guess I am just naïve enough to want to see the best in people.
Interrupted & everybody: I have read a lot of the codependent stuff and enabler stuff but I still like to deny to myself that I am an enabler maybe I was even though I didn’t know when he was doing drugs.. But am I codependent from what you have read? Is that why I am so stuck in this situation? Thanks Interrupted for bringing that up.
Wow04: Thank you for your post. I agree that right now isn’t the time 95% of my time, but there is that 5% that gets me and I have to bring myself back to reality. Thanks again for your post. I also wish you the best as you further your sobriety. Nothing is better to hear when on the topic of addiction than an addict in recovery. Even if him and I don’t end up together I still want the best for him, always.
Redapples: Thank you for your post. I am trying my hardest to keep on trucking but I something seems to be wrong with me. I too tried the no contact blocked him on fb, he doesn’t know where I live, changed my phone number because he kept trying to contact with me. But he sent a letter to my sister’s house after calling her from rehab. I wonder if he really wants to say these things to me, or if this is like a drug game where he will do what he wants until he gets it? Thanks again, I really appreciate it and I’m sorry for the troubles you have been through, I couldn’t imagine walking this road with more than one person. That would kill me. You must be so strong.
I want to thank everyone who replied for their feedback. You have no idea how much it means to have feedback from people that have been there, dealt with addiction as an addict or someone affected by it. I am going to try al-anon again, it just angers me sometimes that I go to a therapist and group meetings because I love somebody and they’re barely, barely in my life. I just feel like I should have more control to push this out of my head and feel differently. I was very young when him and I met and obviously our relationship has been all I knew for a long time. But I’ve seen girls my age move on from relationships (not with addicts) so quickly, I don’t understand why this is so different… Is it because he is an addict? Is it because I’m codependent? Or is it because I still love him. As anyone who reads this can see I’m clearly confused and it is almost embarrassing. I really thank everyone again.