Originally Posted by
Florence 
He talks a good game. He goes through the motions. It's very easy to think that he's doing what he needs to do. But if you're at all educated about addiction and involved in the recovery process, it's apparent he's just not there yet. Won't get a sponsor, doesn't work the steps, is erratic about counseling appointments. He's terminally unique -- doesn't need all that stuff. He's got willpower. He's "aware." He's very investing in appearing fine and under control and a lot of people around him buy it, including our families (they're all here locally) who think I'm cutting him off right as he's turning his life around, but we've been-here-done-that half a dozen times. It's like I'm the only one that can see this is just another phase in a relapse cycle. Which makes me feel a little crazy.
This really resonated with me - this was exactly how my XABF was. He started off well, going to therapy, saying it helped. Then slowly the sessions became sporadic, the therapist was expecting him to 'give up everything and feel nothing'. When he finally tried AA, he went to two meetings in one week, then once a week. Then said it took time to get a sponsor (I didn't know any different). When he did, he was very defensive if I asked anything (I thought that might be normal initially and I backed off as I was wary of prying). After a while I'm not sure whether he even went to the meetings. I stopped asking. Then he eventually decided he could drink, just try one. It was so text book, I really hit me that 'the drinking problem' I couldn't quite call alcoholism, was exactly that.
I too am struggling with acceptance and not knowing what my future holds. I split up from XABF nearly five months ago and still finding it so hard. I don't miss the worry, the anxiety, the stress, the lies, the drinking but I miss the good stuff. I'm 39 and I worry I have left it too late to meet anyone and have a family - XABF and I made plans but the goal posts kept changing as he wanted to have achieved x before we got married, earned x before we had children. It was never going to happen as drinking vodka on the quiet has a nasty habit of getting in the way of earning or achieving. I don't doubt I did the right thing in finishing it as I just couldn't cope anymore but I have replayed stuff in my mind over and over and wish I could just let it go. I worry that when he gave up drinking I wasn't supportive enough. Your post reminded me I wasn't going mad, he wasn't properly giving it up and it wasn't my fault. Thank you for reminding me I'm not to blame. I hope things get better for you soon.