Then, I took out the trash.
I think that both of us need to keep the anxiety and drama of living daily with an alcoholic at the very top of our minds. I'm in constant danger of forgetting it. I wonder if all the mess that getting out will be is worth it. And I have to keep reminding myself that it is. The status quo has been enough for ten years, but it is no longer enough for me. Even if I never find another significant other, it will be okay. More than okay, actually.
I am more lonely with my RAH than I am sitting in an empty room.
Since I'm struggling with the "devil you do/don't know" stuff, I really feel this today. The status quo isn't enough. THANK YOU!
What if you give yourself a deadline to make a decision & take the time until then to categorize your thoughts? Is this his 1st attempt at sobriety? How long have you been separated? Is he working a program or giving you any reason to expect long-term changes? Is his sobriety as important to him as it is to you?
I'm giving myself some time to decide how and when to file. It's going to take awhile to get all the paperwork necessary to do it, plus the county makes you take a bunch of divorce classes to file. I'm kind of avoiding it while I find my footing. He's only been gone a month since I discovered his latest relapse. I can't afford a retainer.
No, this is not his first attempt at sobriety. He's been through 3 rehabs in two years, and has continued to relapse. While he has made progress as far as being able to get longer lengths of time sober, our relationship has not improved and he has been unwilling to hear my needs or respond to them.
He talks a good game. He goes through the motions. It's very easy to think that he's doing what he needs to do. But if you're at all educated about addiction and involved in the recovery process, it's apparent he's just not there yet. Won't get a sponsor, doesn't work the steps, is erratic about counseling appointments. He's terminally unique -- doesn't need all that stuff. He's got willpower. He's "aware." He's very investing in appearing fine and under control and a lot of people around him buy it, including our families (they're all here locally) who think I'm cutting him off right as he's turning his life around, but we've been-here-done-that half a dozen times. It's like I'm the only one that can see this is just another phase in a relapse cycle. Which makes me feel a little crazy.
Part of me thinks that if only I could convince our families to educate themselves we could be insulated from another round of fallout. I know that's the codependency talking -- I can't force anyone to learn anything they aren't interested in seeing, or actively invested in not seeing.
Again, the codependence/victim narratives are just really, really strong today. Instead of acting on all this crap -- and I know it's crap, damn it! -- I'm writing here. You guys know what's up.