I keep going back and forth about whether or not it's good for me to be separated from AH and pursue divorce or whether I should keep doing the "one last chance to save our marriage" dance indefinitely. I know what the right thing to do IS, but I keep feeling doubts and sadness about the end of this terrible relationship. We are not NC because I haven't had any issues with talking to him. I am maintaining minimal contact and we talk about once or twice a week when he sees our daughter. He is one month sober from a big relapse and I am being very cautious.
My brain says this is the right thing to do. I see the patterns, I see the manipulation, the lies, and his dishonesty. I can look back over the wreckage and see that he's incapable of loving me like I deserve and of being a family man in any sense of the word. I can see the differences between what he says and what he does, and my frustration with the gaps, and my unwillingness to settle for this and pay the consequences of his uncontrollable drinking.
I have felt pretty good since he's been gone this last month. I've been grieving appropriately and taking care of myself. The house is clean, everyone is fed, the bills are paid.
But I also have that tiny voice inside that tells me I'm too damaged for anyone else to love, that even my parents couldn't/didn't love me, that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life, that he couldn't get sober because I/we weren't worth it, that bad relationships are my lot in life, that I'm screwing up my kids, that I have no judge of character, etc etc. I'm also dreading the very hard financial reality of supporting me and my kids and paying off old Sallie Mae on my tiny salary. There are a lot of unknowns and fears that are plaguing me and weakening my resolve.
Last night he called to tell me that he just accepted a new job and to give me a heads up that his hours and availability would be changing. He told me a little about the job and all I can say about it is that he's going to **** himself again. It's in an environment in his old career that he has said was triggering for the last two years, and he will be working in traditionally alcohol-soaked environments. All he sees is dollar signs -- he'll be making salary and benefits and isn't that great? I was pretty mum, and tried not to share any of my opinions about how and whether this will be a disaster.
Inside, I had a whole lot of feelings (RANT AHEAD!):
(1) For years I've been begging him to find a job with a decent salary so I didn't have to work two jobs or keep inventing money-making hobbies. He did everything BUT this...
(1a) until he was on his own and realized just how little he was making and looking at living in his parents' house forever. He also made a big deal about only wanting to work a job he LOVES. What a privilege, to only do things one loves to do for oneself. Anyway, his own short-term embarrassment was more meaningful to him than his family's welfare and his wife's mental health. After five years of marriage, there are no marital assets to split, because of his low wages, unemployment, and messed up spending habits.
(2) He, and his mega-enabling and willfully ignorant parents, believe that this is a huge victory because a good job will give him better self-esteem, and self-esteem is 100% the reason why AH is an alcoholic.
(2a)
(3) The delusion! It's like Superman being like, "I can TOTALLY work in a KRYPTONITE factory as long as I'm really extra self-aware now. My willpower has ALWAYS protected me from the effects of kryptonite in the past!"
So anyway, after I felt all my feelings about this, it amazed me that there was still a tiny voice somewhere deep down in there that was encouraging me to just put my head down, let him move back in, and take advantage of the financial bump in income.
I keep having to remind myself what the actual day to day miserable reality of living with him looked like. It meant never being heard, never feeling cared for or validated, never having my needs met, and always waiting for the other shoe to drop. There were some good times, but those were the exceptions. Sadly, this isn't exaggeration, it's just the way it was.
I'm struggling with acceptance today and my inability to forecast the future.