my heart hurts for you , and for your little girls.
I had alcoholic parents, and it has affected me to this day, and I am 60 years old.
you only get one life, your little girls only have one childhood, one mother. Please, do not rob yourself or them of these precious things.
I am glad you are here, and I hope you stay, as you will find support and understanding here.
It is very lonely to be a child whos parent is an alcoholic. you cannot share it with your friends, you don't want to bring friends home, and you live with sadness each day, and fear for the parents life. You become a little caretaker, and forfeit your own needs, in hopes of making the parent "happy enough" to quit drinking. You lose self respect, and have low self esteem. You often do without things you need, because the parent may be too wrapped up in their own problems to see .
I often wonder what it would have been like to have a 'normal' family, without the demon of alcohol in control of our home, and of our entire lives.
you become hyper-vigilant, watching every move, hearing every voice inflection , in order to tell if tonight will be a drinking night, if the parent is going to be absent again, or in a drunken rage. you learn to disappear, sometimes, or you might become the black sheep, and try to distract everyone from the misery of the home life. or perhaps worry yourself sick trying to be the savior of the family, the overachiever, in order to make the family look 'ok', or to feel as good as others.
Please, do this for yourself and for your little girls. As bad as you might think it is for them, believe me, it is much worse-there is no loneliness like a child whose parent is lost in alcohol.
wishing you and your precious girls every good thing, a good life.
chicory