What do my children think?
I am fortunate to be able to say that I grew up in a home where neither my mother nor my father drank.
I don't know what it feels like to watch someone I love destroy their life by drinking.
At school the other day, one of my students had to come to my office for suspected possession of a controlled substance on campus, and I had to question him. I asked if he had access to drugs at home. He broke down. He said no, but that his mother drinks every night. He said she thinks it's ok because she can keep a job and it never causes her to miss work. I felt like he was talking about me. It was awful. I think God put him there to make me feel like crap. That was the start of a day and night full of Ah-Ha moments that led me here.
My girls are 7 and 4. Do you think I've already set a bad example for them? I don't want them to be embarrassed of me or feel that I have chosen to spend my time with alcohol instead of them... I don't want them to be in middle school crying their eyes out to their principal about how screwed up I made their lives...
They don't say anything to me that is out of line of course, but I was so hurt when my little one didn't understand why I wasn't buying beer at the grocery store the other day.
The other night when I outside on the porch drinking, I looked in the window and saw them sitting in the floor playing together. They don't even try to get me to come inside - they know when I'm out there it is going to be for the night.
I feel so ashamed to admit these things, but I joined this group Saturday morning because I want to be a better mother, a better wife, a better person, and I need help. I am determined to come completely out of my comfort zone and talk and tell how I'm feeling - good, bad, and ugly.
Other than my immediate family and you all - no one knows I have a problem. Most people don't even have a clue that I drink. I am very careful and private... please help me get my priorities straight...