I wonder if your husband Liz, has ever been anything different with you than who he is now. It seems that the two of you never shared what you are looking for in the history of your relationship, so this new and deeper connection, and intimacy, would be forging new territory.
Another problem is that I don't see that you are sure yourself what you are looking for, only that you want him to engage more. It's like you want growth for yourself, which involves your marriage too, but that he never signed up for that course, and is now clueless.
It's a good thing to want growth for yourself. To expand what intimacy can mean in life. To expand our thoughts to understand more of what life is and means, and what our relationships can do to reach their potential.
His approach to life is a simple one, and he appears clueless as to why you want the status quo to change.
Except for him quitting drinking, what is it that you want? You don't seem to have a clear cut understanding of what you want from him, or even yourself. That's ok, because I think you are on a discovery path.
Someone else pointed out that your husband has his own side to the story, which of course he does. From his pov, you are not going on trips with him, going alone on other trips, and withholding sex, which is considered its own form of manipulation. You're shaking things up with these type of things, but why you are pushing the limits here I am confused on. I read your posts and threads and I know you want MORE, but what kind of more?
I agree with your husband on only one thing in this debate...something he doesn't seem to have put into words yet...if you are on a path of self-discovery, that's great, but you need to separate that individual awakening from him unless you have a clear understanding of what you want from him, and how your path of self-discovery suddenly means that he has to change too.
I tried to articulate what I am feeling about your posts over the last few months but I am not to the point where I can say it succinctly, it is a vague feeling I have.
Florence said what I said essentially, but more eloquently. He has shown you who he is. Now you want him to be someone different, when he has been who he is all along.
I can see part of what you want, tell me if I am right or not. You want something you have never had before, a much deeper connection, communication, and emotional intimacy. I don't think you can get there with two people giving each other lists of what they want different because I think that connections are formed and grow with interaction--talking to each other, not AT each other.
How does a relationship grow when one partner wants to return to the old status quo and the other partner wants to forge into new territory? Can it even be done?