My husband and I started marriage counseling in his second month of recovery while he was still in rehab. He didn’t go to a 12 step rehab; where he was at it was based on work with psychiatrist/therapists. But what I wanted to say was that I think it is correct to take an inventory of self after your husband writes out his list. My experience was that part of marriage counseling is learning to listen to the other person, and trying to understand where they are coming from, what is prompting their feelings, even if you disagree with their feelings/opinions, etc. From that you are supposed to both attempt compromise. I don’t think it works if either party goes in thinking the whole problem lies with the other person. I know I had my share of issues that I had to face, and work on for myself, and to benefit my husband.
I do think that most men view sex differently than women. Men often need sex to feel close, where women need emotional relations before sex. To be blunt, your husband sounds sexually frustrated & yes its selfish thinking, but Im not sure its all addict related on that part. Im also not really sure it’s a case of manipulation, or power control but maybe thinking it will help fix’ whats wrong based on his definition of emotional benefits of sex.
I also am not criticizing AA at all; but if he does not feel comfortable with that kind of recovery, then there are other options that can work; like one:one therapy,AVRT etc. I think he gets to choose that, and we can only watch actions and see if what they are doing is working in our eyes. And whatever method they use; it does take time. (Whatever method we choose; it takes time) I know in this case, your saying he is still drinking; so may all be a moot point and he just doesn’t want to stop.