ISOHumility

Hi everyone,

Since my son relapsed, I've been wobbly. I don't want to drink, but am angry, disappointed, grieving my son's relapse, which I expected. He's 15, for cripes' sake.

I think that my son's accident, his relapse, and the strain of meeting a tough deadline have pushed me into depression. I have a history of it, especially SAD. I've not had it in at least four years, though.

This is what I have done, with God's help:
a. made an appointment with a therapist--I go Monday.
b. gone to the doc and gotten depression meds, which I've come to see don't agree with me. (They made me feel anxious, and like I was on speed.) I plan to talk to the therapist about this Monday; I need to see a meds doc, not my primary-care physician.
c. Prayed.
d. Gone to meetings, although I've slacked off. The depression makes being around and talking to people hard.
d. Made a gratitude list, and recited out loud all that I am grateful for. And there's a LOT to be grateful for.

What I have not done: gone to Al-Anon. I've said over and over that I will go. I have not.

Last year, I went to several meetings at my sponsor's suggestion. The women depressed me--most of them older, having dealt for years with drug-addicted husbands and sons. I called one once, for support, and she kept the focus on my son, rather than suggest what I could do.

This is no excuse. Yet I keep using it.

I am an alcoholic living with two addicts. I have largely let go with my husband. He's a good man, he simply does not want to deal with the issues of addiction, especially his own (food). I've gotten the support I've needed from my AA meetings, but need more now.

My son is a newbie. There are no teen meetings where I live. He's been clean since the relapse, and is trying hard to "be a good boy." He's also gone to his meetings without complaint, and has a few friends there. But his way of staying clean is to stay in the house beyond going to meetings. He has one good friend in school who doesn't use, but he doesn't get to see him often. I am suggesting extracurricular activities. He's most interested in getting a job, but his grades are iffy.

But I need to keep the focus on me. I am not doing what I should be doing, which is hitting Al-Anon meetings. The depression is making it harder.

My sponsor, who loves Al-Anon, has kept her distance as I struggle with this, which is right. While I have some resentment about it, the issue is me. I have prayed to God to help me get to Al-Anon, but I guess ego, control issues, pride, depression, grief are getting in my way. I would like to be willing to go, and pray to be willing.

This is too long, but my sponsor is giving me space, and there is nothing more she can say. I am hoping maybe God will speak through someone here.

Thanks for listening.