djayr

Hello:

I am at a critical time in my life and relationship with AW. I'll briefly retell my story. I am at the tail end of an 18 year marriage that self-destructed 2 years ago when AW fell off the wagon, took up with strange men, and went off the rails big-time in terms of drinking, lying, and unfaithful behavior. No kids.

This was after 10+ years of numerous hospitalizations, emergencies, health problems, and embarrassing situations associated with being married to a woman addicted to vodka. When I saw the first "I love you" on her cell phone text to another man, and then another man -- that was it, I filed for divorce.

We split everything 50/50 and were granted a legal separation in my state last November 2011. This was expensive for me involving chunky 4-figure, monthly payments to her for 6 years -- so that I could "buy" my family business back from her, you know, community property state. I gave her all of our money and retirement plans and a rental property too.

So here is the situation: after 12 months (coming up Nov 2012) I can convert to a divorce without her consent. One signature - MY signature - and I can be divorced, and that would be that.

We continue to own a nice house together 50/50 -- our last shared asset -- getting divorced will force the sale of this dream home, where our life went to crap after we bought this place in 2010. It feels like the end of War of the Roses or Money Pit, where there is this great house and a couple that can't seem to enjoy it together. Back then I thought I had it all, AW had 2 years of sobriety at that time, after a near fatal accident in 2008 from which she recovered 100%.

Then, she went 400 miles away to see her family, fell off the wagon, and the marriage blew up to high heaven.

So here is an update -- we were legally separated November 2011 but I continued to live there with her (separate bedroom) until May 2012 when I finally moved out. I have been in a 1 bedroom apartment for 4 months, it's been healthy and much less worrisome for me, even though I feel sad sometimes.

I see AW regularly to take grandma to church on Sunday. I hang around and cut the grass -- we might go out to eat or to breakfast from time to time. She is always inviting me to move back, come back, make up, start over, etc -- but she is drunk and will not stop drinking! For real.

She is a textbook alcoholic who apparently cannot stop, will not stop, until they become another statistic about destroyed marriage, family, friends, jobs, etc. The only thing she does have is a bunch of money that I have dropped in her lap and directly into her checking account each month. Yet she doesn't open her mail, log into her online banking, or have a clue about anything -- because this is not a person who has any interest in getting her SH** together.

Here is my problem. We are getting along. She is nice and quite sweet most of the time. She is lonely and sad and misses me, which makes me feel sorry for her. I regularly suggest going to detox / rehab - why not, what else are you doing for God sakes? - but months go by, a total of 2 years of drinking at this point. There were 2 short breaks, but it's mostly been a non-stop 24/7 buzz for her.

Things are so different, so much better, when she is sober. If only she would give it a shot.

I guess I am REALLY struggling with the upcoming conversation that goes something like, "I have been waiting to see if you would change your life in the past 12 months, and since you haven't, I have decided to move on to final divorce, including the mandatory sale of this home where you live, so we can go our separate directions."

I feel like she is going to be shocked. She is so nested into this house and very comfortable in her lifestyle. But I guess it's over.

What feels funny to me is that it seems like I am arbitrarily picking a day at random, that happens to be 12 months after we got a judgement of legal separation -- but what significance is that? Is there some kind of final ultimatum I am supposed to give her? Some kind of warning? Or I just pull the plug, do what everyone in the universe has been waiting for me to do, and finally be done with it?

This is so sad, it's killing me, because I do love this woman. But how long am I supposed to drag this out if she's not changing? I don't know -- it's just a confusing time. I just sign a document, file it with the court, and I'm divorced -- it's blowing my mind, you know how attached we codies are sometimes.

Thanks for listening...