UGH!! I just hate this. I AM impatient. Another part of this I'm working on...no need to pressure myself any more. I just want to truly be able to detach so that nothing he does can derail me like it has. And f**k any expectations...I'm constantly disappointed. I am getting NOTHING I need from this at all and if I say a peep about it, I am directed back to my many mistakes and there goes any hope of anything resembling a conversation. It is ALL my fault, it would appear.
Yesterday I received an email from him in which he basically said he was going to thoughtfully reply to my emails, which he rarely does, and write as much as he could about his feelings...later on YESTERDAY. I have no email. I said I was disappointed and sad and he said that I was being MEAN and I surely "changed the mood" now. Then he said because I didn't talk to him much yesterday, he figured the email wasn't important. WHAT? THEN he said he had started to write it but didn't want to continue now and have it end up a fight. Do I believe any such email was even begun? NO. This is not the first time. Seriously, do I expect anything more???? TRULY?!?!?!
I guess I do or I wouldn't be so annoyed. And hurt.
I don't believe he is anywhere near taking real action to get help. He says he is coming down off narcotics over a few months with the help of other drugs and his doctors. He is not engaged in any recovery program at all. He is also acting like an a-hole, not at all like he acts when he is on LESS narcotics. Totally defensive. Totally blaming me for everything. Disregarding me completely.
I told him I'm just done talking and he can talk to me when he thinks he can deal with me, us, and my understandable feelings about this whole thing. I should not have to practically BEG someone who claims to be SO IN LOVE with me to just acknowledge me. Never mind do anything else. I need to stick to this. It's demeaning the way I go after what should be freely offered.