"Things always get so heated during counseling and I get so overwhelmed that I can't think clearly. " Liz, YOU are the victim here, YOU are the one being abused by his alcoholic behavior. And you are also being his enabler in many ways. Your statement suggests to me that you walk and talk on eggshells, and this prevents you from being able to state your needs clearly. Being overwhelmed when asked what you want from your marriage is partially the result of the emotional abuse you have endured over time. I am willing to bet that he belittles most of what you say or do, and interrupts you when you are talking, as if what you are saying isn't important in the least. My advice? LET things get heated, don't let him intimidate you. Tell him by defending his crappy actions, he is trying to justify it to himself; if what he was doing was ok there would not be a need to defend himself to you. This is just another form of verbal and emotional abuse on his part, designed to make you feel uncertain and belittled. Learn to make him responsible for his actions. Late for dinner? Put it away. Trash not taken out? Leave it. Banking not done? Don't do it for him-you get the drift. Now, with those thoughts in mind, make a list of all his crappy actions that seriously affect you, and then on another piece of paper write down the corresponding positive opposite actions you want from him. My counselor had me do this (my ex AH wouldn't go with), and it was a real eye-opener. I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to stay in my marriage. Being with him in the marriage was lonelier than being alone. The other thing she had me do was write down the things I did for ME, and me alone, that I did prior to the marriage. Guess what? I had stopped doing all the things I loved, all the things that made me ME, and losing myself wasn't worth trying to save a one-sided marriage. I hope that you realize that YOU deserve to be happy, and if being happy is so much work, then maybe you need to consider different options. Maybe your counselor isn't so great if you keep feeling too overwhelmed to speak during your sessions. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, I feel your pain, literally.