Well, here I am again, 5:22 in the morning and I haven't gone to bed yet. I tried, but I couldn't sleep. We just passed hubby's 8-month and his sobriety is going great. We also just passed the 10-month mark of no physical intimacy, and that's really not going great for me. It seems to be great for him -- after all, he chose it -- but I keep catching myself obsessing over what I'm doing wrong.
I've been back to exercising several times a week, though a recent weigh-in left me appalled to discover that I'm nearly as heavy as the week before my son was born. I've had three babies now, and I'm a total wreck. It's really hard for me to blame him for not even missing the intimacy, but the more I think about it, the more I get upset over things I can't change. So I try not to think about it, and I've gotten obsessed over "being useful" and just completely burying myself in work to try to forget about the lack of intimacy. I was already deathly afraid that my husband wouldn't be able to stand me when he sobered up, and time just seems to bear that out. He doesn't remember the things he said to me and about me while he was drinking, but I can't help but wonder if he still thinks them just the same.
Yep, counseling is out for me right now, there's just no time or money to do it. I finally got to talk to my husband a bit about the lack of intimacy, and he merely acknowledged the fact that "my perceived needs" are not being met. He said that if I get back on birth control, that can change -- even though when I asked him about it five months ago, right after our son was born, he informed me that we were going to be abstinent. I don't know if he really meant it that way, but he never discussed it with me or anything, and it certainly left me with a pretty clear view of how much he valued what I could give him in that respect.
I can't help but wonder if some of this is codie fallout, since I gave up trying to initiate anything myself a long time ago. He never was good at just saying "no, thank you" but instead would make fun of me for even trying. We've actually only had any physically intimate interaction once since our son was conceived, and even then I confess that I kind of took advantage of him while he was about mid-level intoxicated. Before that it was when said child was conceived...and then like three months before that. Maybe it wouldn't hit me so hard if anyone had EVER been truly interested in me in that respect, but I've only ever had such relations with the two men I married. The first, it was every week, like clockwork, on Saturday. And then it came out that his true satisfaction was coming from elsewhere.
I'm seriously on the verge of giving up on this bit. I don't want a divorce, I love my husband more than anything, and enjoy time with him so much more now that he's sober. But is it so wrong to want a little something else every now and then? I am extremely giving whenever I'm given the chance, and enjoy doing many things that men are said to love having done, but he just plain doesn't want it. I'd be willing to be patient if I knew this was ever going to end, but I'm really starting to wonder.
End of rant...I know that really didn't add anything, but I needed to rant somewhere and there's really no one I can talk to. Even my mother rubs it in my face that my husband doesn't want me, and my sister honestly can't understand why exclusivity is important to anyone.