djayr

Hi Everyone--

I am chuckling to myself right now because my last thread (dated August 24, 2012) was entitled "Yikes AW Has Gotten Sober-And I Like Her". I was in a codie tailspin because she was being SO nice! My detachment was going out the window and I was getting really confused.

All of that changed a day or two later when she went back to the bottle.

My 17 year marriage is probably ending soon. I have been legally separated over 11 months, and in my state, after 12 months I can convert to a divorce without AW's signature.

When we first got a legal separation last November, I thought it would be a wake up call for AW. We still lived together. I thought she would finally take responsibility for herself, hit bottom, maybe get a job, start paying bills, get her act together, etc. I thought if she had her own money, perhaps she would take care of herself.

That didn't happen. She just cried a lot and drank a lot, harboring the illusion that I would snap out of it.

And when I moved out this past May, I thought it would be a wake up call for AW. I thought she would rather go to rehab than sit alone in our big house. I thought she would realize that she really has lost everything and that now would be a good time to get sober.

That didn't happen. She did get sober in August for all of 3 days after a short detox, but it didn't stick. She is still crying and drinking and wishing that I would come back. She is still carrying on relationships with various losers and hangers-on. She still talks about going to rehab, but never actually going.

She never got it together, doesn't read the mail, doesn't pay or try to understand banking and billing, and for the most part just survives and makes it up as she goes through one day at a time.

It's all very sad and pathetic.

Now I am trying to warn her, "hey AW, I am not going to remain in this status quo, this 50/50 ownership of a house where I do not live is not going to work long term, and BTW if you were EVER going to get sober to try to save your marriage, now is the time". She just isn't getting it. I think the alcohol has given her brain damage.

So it is entirely possible that she will be getting a Final Decree of Divorce in her stocking for Christmas this year. It's simply the result of doing nothing positive for herself or our relationship. I feel like the past year has been a test, and she hasn't even tried to pass it, so she fails. (Yet I know she will be stunned to find out that she has failed.) Nothing I say is sticking to her vodka brain.

I'm glad that I've taken my time with this process. The past year hasn't been bad. I went on a mission trip, travelled and hung out with friends a lot, and just ran a 50K Ultramarathon last weekend. Life isn't all that bad.

One observation in my case: MAYBE if a codependent stops enabling, the A will stop drinking. Or maybe the A will just keep drinking and drinking and drinking...

Thanks for all the support, I'll keep you posted of any major changes.