I think I get what you are saing, mabp.
Because I don't seem to be able to "get it" either.
I mean, I get it. I understand the theory, the idea, the notion.
Recognize that any thought that supports the idea of drinking ever again is AV, determine and declare that I will never drink again and I will never change my mind, and *voila* - It is finished.
I sure do wish I could experience this transformation that any number of people like ott have described.
Originally Posted by
onlythetruth 
The time I DID do it was way different. I didn't plan it...but I could tell, because it was like something shifted. I had truly had enough. I was in so much pain from drinking that it simply ceased to matter to me how difficult quitting might be, and when the Beast told me I couldn't do it, that it was going to kill me, I was like: "fine, I'll die then. But I am not doing this s**t anymore."
Now I bet you're going to say: I can't do this, the Beast is stronger. But don't you see: THAT'S THE BEAST TALKING. I think what happens at the "Big Plan" moment is that we stop caring what that mangy beast says. We call its bluff. I did it by accident but I have to believe it can be done on purpose, with more forethought than I put into it.
I absolutely do NOT care what the mangy beast says. It's a loser and a parasite. Further, I don't feel in the least powerless. I make my own decisions, thanks very much. Some of them are very poor decisions, mind you, but I don't blame them on anyone else nor on circumstances. It is completely up to me to respond however I do, regardless of what life throws at me.
All of that notwithstanding, I cannot seem to muster the conviction - yet - to make a Big Plan and really feel in my heart and sould that I mean it. It's not for lack of want and it's not for lack of confidence nor for lack of courage, at least today. It's something else I can't quite grasp yet. I wish I could describe or start to define it, but I guess if I could, I'd be set!
In the meantime, carrying on with not drinking seems to be a step in the right direction. Perhaps something will "break" or "mend" if I am patient.