It is the beast for sure, I feel better this morning. I tought about it last night and realised
That my beast existed before my addiction. Addiction came after the beast. I was able to track that feeling of allonness to when my mom went to rehad when I was 7. I remember how alone I felt in the hands of strangers taking care of me. It was only for 6 weeks but felt like forever. My dad died of cancer when i was 5, so he wasen't there to take care of us. My grandpa became my father, I loved I'm so much, but he was an alchoolic like my mom and passed of liver cancer when I was 15. I remember my grandma gave me one of his brandy mickeys as a souvenir. I remember drinking the hole thing crying alone. It worked, my beast had what it needed. I think I became an alchoolic right there, that one time my beast was satisfied.
So in resume, my beast was always there waiting. IT created the addiction. The only logical conclusion is that the beast was created by my inner pain that no one told me how to deal with. My mom was always drunk, only sobber for a few years. My next task is to work on my repressed pain and memories. I'll get a T and tell him all this. Maybe, if I fix what created the beast then addiction will have never existed. Because there is no linear time as we know it in spiritutal affairs of this universe.
And so it is, thanks for your support!