Thank you all for the kind thoughts, prayers and messages of support. These have been the most hardest, darkest days of my life. The guilt, regrets, how i found him, missing him and anger are going round and round in my head all the time. At the moment there isn't a minute when i'm not missing him. I didn't think i could hurt so much, the pain is just so bad right now.
Recently i've just shut myself away from the world apart from my lovely daughter and granson. This week i've forced myself to go out a bit and of course take my dog out. I just keep focusing on the old platitude 'time is a great healer' because that's all i've got at the moment.
I keep thinking i'd do anything to get him back ,even the nightmare of the last few years of living with the alcoholic would be be more acceptable than this. stupid huh?
I just can't wait until i wake up one morning and the pain isn't quite as acute. I want to move forward from this and live a full life for the both of us, but i guess again that is a time thing. I don't want this tragedy to define me for who i'll be in the future.
I still visit the forum everyday and my heart and love goes out to you all. you all are such great people and deserve happiness and contentment in your lives.
Deep down i can intellectualise that he's out of his suffering, at peace and hopefully in a better place, it wasn't personal to me and he made the decision and i respect that . Emotionally it is so painful.
But hey onwards and upward eh? I can't get any lower and just hope i can have some resemblance of a decent future and move on from this for both of us.
thanks for reading,
Take care each and every one of you x
Ps. CanFixOnlyMe - I hope you're ok and feeling a bit betterx