tygertyger

Hey All...

I've been devouring the F&F threads for several days, and this is my first post. I'm interested in whether there's any consensus among us about how quickly to 'pull the trigger' (so to speak) on the consequences we've promised our A's if they persist in certain behaviors.

My ABF of two years just got back from 6 weeks of in-house rehab (a non-AA/12-step, CBT-based residential program) and despite completing the voluntary, freedom-model program with flying colors, lasted all of about 48 hours after he returned before going on a 3-night bender because he was 'bored.' When we talked about it afterward, I reminded him that I *get* that recovery is not a straight road, and that I don't expect perfection by any stretch. He's free to do whatever, but in order for me to stay in his life, there HAS to be honesty, and at least evidence of effort toward sobriety. He nodded, agreed, and apologized profusely - and then did it again this past weekend, about two days after our conversation, with the added charm of attempting to lie (badly) about what was going on.

I realized that my BF was an alcoholic probably 6 months after we became official - and laid out an escalating series of consequences for our relationship if he didn't get help. Though I do believe he has (at times) made a genuine effort, he has blown through those consequences one by one, until here we are. Over the last 18 months or so, the amount of time and energy I've spent pondering, worrying, reading everything I could get my hands on about addiction and treatment, etc. researching rehab options and organizing the intervention that ultimately sent him there, then driving the 9-hour round trip every weekend to visit him in treatment, is staggering to me. I realize that there is no silver bullet for addiction, and I truly don't take his behavior personally, but as I've said to him all along: if he's interested in our relationship going forward, he *has* to try, and he has to be honest with me. If he's not, that's painful, but OK - I know where I stand; the ball is now in his court.

After this past weekend, I told him I was pulling back - no more girlfriendly benefits (including sleepovers and sex), no more rescue missions, no more emotional roller-coaster for me. I will operate with the basic understanding that for him, the freedom to drink as he likes comes first, and plan my own life and activities accordingly. After a couple of days, he essentially begged me for one more shot. My own heart is pretty much shelled out at this point, and I'm at peace with the knowledge that the relationship is on bare life support, so I said sure - go ahead and have your shot. I also told him that if (though to myself I said 'when') you eff this up, there will be no further discussion - you simply won't ever see or hear from me again until such time as you can concretely demonstrate your active, engaged sobriety. (I was more specific with him about what I meant by 'eff up,' but I'll spare you guys all of that.) And I absolutely mean it. That's where it stands today.

However...so many folks posting on the F&F boards talk about spending 10, 15, 20+ years dealing with this nonsense. So my question is this: I love and adore my BF - he's a remarkable guy in so many ways - is it counterproductive for me to act so quickly and decisively when it comes to dealing with him lying to me, or being so cavalier about drinking after all the time, effort and money that's been spent on him over this? He didn't become an alcoholic in six weeks - he's been doing this for a decade, since he was in college. I refuse to mortgage my own self-respect and dignity and play second-fiddle to a f*cking BEVERAGE - but at the same time, I realize that it's about way more than just whiskey. What's you guys' take on it? Can a person's boundaries be *too* good? Can a person go nuclear over a typical alcoholic's oh-so-typical BS too quickly? There's no danger of me getting sucked into some kind of shame-spiral over 'saving' him or anything like that - I've done far, far more than anyone else in his life, and certainly more than could be reasonably expected of a relative newcomer of a girlfriend. I have nothing to prove to him or anyone else - I just want to give him the best chance possible for recovery without mortgaging my own soul to do it.

Whew...that was way longer than I intended! Thanks for reading this far, and thank you SO much in advance for any insights and wisdom you can offer.