Thanks for the replies. You are right. I know what to do, and I agree about needing to gain control. I guess by seeking other opinions, I was hoping for some magic easy fix.
As you can see from my join date vs my first post date (today) I have been heavily contemplating sobriety for awhile. It just feels so scary to much such a big change that and would affect many aspects of my life and my relationships.
I am quite embarrassed by this. I feel like many people would be shocked to know this about me (I hide it quite well from acquaintances; really, only my husband knows the truth).
Funny though, if friend came to me with a similar problem, I would tell them no need to be embarrassed and would support their decisions completely.
I am happy to have found this forum.