Rollercoasters
My feelings are all over the place. I keep going from sitting in the office on the verge of tears, to spitting mad, to resigned confidence that I'm doing the right thing. I feel sorry for myself, then I feel like I'm so strong and I can do anything. Last night I felt really good, but so tired. Today I'm anxious and edgy and dreading going home to be alone with the kids all night (they are good and amazing kids, both of them, but I am exhausted).
A few days ago I had a long talk with my 13yo son about what's going on. He's devastated to find out that "a drinking problem" is why his stepdad is not living with us and that he might not be back. He saw his stepdad (my AH) as more of a father to him than his real father. Knowing that between my ex and my AH I chose two unavailable men to break my kids' hearts over and over is crushing.
I've made so many choices in my life that felt good and healthy and safe at the time that turned out to be terrible.
I had two more family members call me about this trip, begging me to come (prior thread, big family trip that has been in the works for 6+ months, and I cancelled -- everyone else is going without me), totally not understanding why I wouldn't want to leave my 1yo with a relapsing alcoholic and his two biggest enablers for three days. They both kept asking, "Do you really think she wouldn't be safe?" The question of safety alone was enough for me to say, you know what, it's not worth it. Saying it out loud made me realize how crazy the situation is.
My mom, codependent herself, was trying to cajole and control me into still going because she doesn't want to tell her family that she and her life aren't perfect. It's crazy-making, and makes me feel like a kid that can't trust her own instincts.
Still I'm really sad I had to choose not to go. It was a once in a lifetime thing. But the timing was terrible -- I couldn't find anyone else on such short notice to watch the baby, and my AH and his enabling parents were out of the question.
Trying to take care of myself. Trying to make sure I'm well-rested and eating, but it's hard. Lost ten pounds in two weeks. I was feeling really good and stable at first, but my resolve is faltering. I could use some support and experience today.