Originally Posted by FindingErica

Thank you everyone.

After 18 years I'm used to him helping me solve problems, and I've been dealing with big decisions this week- switching divorce attorneys, filing bankruptcy. But he isn't the person to talk to, we are at odds. I have to make my own decisions and trust them, I have a hard time with that, I have spent 18 years with a blame shifter.

I know that when I've been in this situation, there was a part of me that wanted him to come swooping in, all healthy and shiny and new, riding on a white horse, with a magic wand in his hand, and make everything ALL better!! The pain and stress gets to be too much and I wanted someone to come FIX IT, dammit!! So.....I'd keep checking the window to see if he was coming....10x a day, then 5x a day, then once a week....finally realizing that the rescuer I was looking for (whose name was Acceptance) was inside of ME the whole time.

I'm feeling like there is something wrong with me. The person I built a life with is now my adversary.
It feels awkward to lift the veil of denial and toss it aside. It takes time to forgive them and to forgive ourselves. It's an entirely new dynamic and after 18 years it's not going to be done overnight. "They" say it takes two years for the dust to settle in a separation/divorce and in my experience that's about right. Two years before there is a somewhat tolerable equilibrium... be patient. It will get better.

Also, I think I like drama. Its not healthy and I need to be healthy. I know that I need to sit with the discomfort because change is hard.

Lastly, I've been conditioned to react out of guilt to silent treatment manipulation. After his first visit he kept thanking me for the visit and letting him see the kids. This time nothing, he's silent means he's angry. The only thing is, why should his anger be my problem?

It's not your problem, but as you said you are conditioned to respond to it. He's just cycling through his tried-and-true tactics that have worked for him in the past...only they're not working anymore. Yeah, you bet he's angry and frustrated!! Even got his mommy all riled up enough to get involved. Sheesh.