We feel guilty for letting it happen ...
Hi guys,
It's been a while since I posted, but that's because all had been quiet, mostly due to SD's mum not contacting her at all. But, it all changed on Sunday.
SD has got herself a little part time Saturday job. It was her choice, and she found the job herself because she wants to earn her own money. So, we had to let her mum know that if she wanted to visit her it would have to be on a Sunday. As you all hopefully remember, we haven't allowed SD to visit her mum in her home, because we want to protect SD from witnessing mum drinking.
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, mum phoned SD and told her she would be coming to see her on Sunday (last Sunday) and would take her out for lunch. Great, we thought. She arranged with my husband (or rather text him and told him) that she would meet SD at 10am at the bus stop, so we assumed she would be getting the bus over. At 12 she phoned to say her friend was bringing her (her elderly gentleman friend) but they'd got lost and had ended up somewhere way out of the way (god knows how!). She finally arrived in our town at 12.30. She phoned my husband and said to bring SD to meet her at the bus stop, which he did. Mum was sat in her friend's car at the bus stop, SD got out of our car and got into the car her mum was in. Because it was raining, my husband thought nothing of it and drove back home. About an hour later, SD text my husband saying she was being taken to her mum's town for lunch, and we just assumed they would be going to a pub or restaurant for lunch. My husband text his daughter back and said that was fine (thinking she was being taken out) and could she ask her mum to have her back by 5pm because we were going out for dinner.
At 5.30, mum rang my husband, and said her friend was driving them, and asked for directions to our home because she didn't know where we lived!!!?????????? He said 'erm, isn't D with you then?' she said 'yes, why?' and he said 'because SHE knows where we live!'. I honestly can't believe the stupidity of the woman!! Anyway, a little later they pulled up outside our house. Mum came to the door with SD, and OMG!!! I haven't seen her for a while, and jeez she looks awful. Very very very thin, white with a yellowish puffy face and hair that looks like it's been fried. She had clearly been drinking, we could tell by her slurred speech and just the look of her. You know, don't you? Anyway, she tried to kiss SD but SD pulled away from her and stood in our doorway, and her mum said, shakily 'I'll ring you in the week darlin' and then went. Once inside, SD collapsed on the sofa in tears. We asked her what the matter was and it was then that she told us her mum had taken her to her home, and then round to her next door neighbours for lunch. Now, her next door neighbour is also an alcoholic. Her house is a 'session' house, lots of 'parties', drink and drugs and lots of rows and violence. SD spent an awful lot of time there when she was living with her mum, and has had difficulties dealing with it. She said that although lunch was nice, they were all drinking, mum included, and at one point she had to get out of there and go for a walk around the corner. She said she hated it, felt uncomfortable and awkward and never wanted to go back there again.
For the past 15 months we have protected SD from this. This is exactly why we restricted mum to only visiting SD in our town. Okay, we appreciate it may be difficult to find things to do, but our main concern has always been to prevent SD from witnessing her mother drinking. On Sunday, this poor kid went back 10 steps in her recovery, and we feel like it's our fault. My husband says he should have guessed SD would be taken out of our town, and feels he should never have driven away and left her with her mother in a car. The poor kid is so upset and low because of Sunday, and we could have prevented it.
My husband did text mum later that evening and told her she should not have taken SD to her home and to the neighbours, and told her how upset and low SD was. He told her she MUST understand how her drinking affects her daughter, and that the restriction was in place to protect SD. He didn't get a reply on Sunday evening, but she did reply on Monday. She said 'how DARE you tell me what to do. Where I take her is MY choice, and I was NOT drinking. Back off and leave me alone'.
Since Sunday, I've had calls from two parents of SD's friends, saying their child is very concerned about her as she's opened up to them about how Sunday made her feel.
What can we do? This is just heartbreaking.