Originally Posted by lizatola

I couldn't find a huggy smilie for some reason, but wanted to thank you for caring so much. I responded to BothSidesNow thread this AM and I'm sitting here in tears remembering what my dad put me through and how oblivious my mother was to all of it. I swore up and down that my own children(well, I only had 1) wouldn't live in a home where you aren't allowed to express your emotions or where you are objectified sexually by a parent. If I've done anything right with my son, it's that I've always encouraged him to express himself and I have put him in therapy in the past and he's currently seeing a counselor, again. I want him to know that there are people out there who can help, I never even knew what therapy or a counselor was until I was well into my marriage and found out that AH had gone to therapy after his long time girlfriend forced him to go. Guess that should have been a red flag, but I really didn't know what alcoholism, depression, or any of that stuff was because it was never a topic of conversation in our home.

I didn't even know my dad was an alcoholic until my mother told me that she divorced him because he wouldn't put down the vodka. HUH? I had no idea. We just didn't talk about stuff as a family, everyone kind of lived their own separate lives under 1 roof especially when my sister was being treated for leukemia. That was when my dad shut down emotionally and started drinking more(even though I saw this, I didn't know it was a problem until I was an adult). My dad couldn't handle seeing my sister in the hospital, sending me away to live with relatives when I was exposed to the flu or the chicken pox, etc, and he basically shut down. I had nowhere to go, no place to turn to. It was like I was an invisible ghost just passing through the house. I don't resent my sister and her illness. Cancer is a bitch and she was 5 when she was being treated. I loved her and supported her, I raised money at school for leukemia and did my health class report on the disease. Yet, I was shoved aside by the family and didn't realize how hard that hit me until I was well into adulthood and realized that I would take the scraps from the table instead of the whole meal. I was desperate for attention and would do anything to NOT be abandoned.

So, that's what it all comes down to. Fear. I know that, I have to deal with. It's not a fear of being alone because I love being alone and being with my own thoughts. But, I fear abandonment and that 'you're not good enough' sentiment. Thank you again for your support, I have a lot going through my head this AM. Sorry to everyone for my long winded posts!