Dear LIZ, from where I sit, I see so many people on this board who are so faithful in sharing their experience and accumulated wisdom with you. We so identify with the pain and desire to reach out to a fellow who suffers.
I particullarly noted what sesh said in her post about accepting the reality of your husband---the alcoholism and the narcissism---the abusive behaviors that have eroded into your self-esteem.
Sesh hit on the fact that if you actually accept that he is who he is---you would have to change---you would have to face your own fears (we humans hate that).
She is right, one could spend the rest of their life playing the games---he did this, so I did that. Someone said in a post, recently, that it is not our responsibility to figure out the "puzzle" of our significant other. We can't do it anyway.
Liz, I say keep going to alanon and give it your full attention and commitment. Address your fears with your therapist, also (you shared that you have a personal therapist). Commit to the work of therapy. You have admitted that you know, (intellectually), that this marriage partner is an extension of your abusive childhood.
This might sound like it is a lecture---I guess it IS. I say these things because I care about your pain and these things I believe to be true, because my experience tells me that they are.
dandylion