blackandblue

Thank you all for your encouraging words. It is bit of a fight to get through the hard times. That fight is a resistance to change. I truly believe we look for what is comfortable as humans because it is easier and understandably feels like the safer option or the right choice. To give in to the demands of our actively addicted loved ones is like holding out bait for a great white shark. Better yet, you are the bait. We are feeding a "monster," which is the addictive cycle, that may very well bite our hand off or our heads off. Notice I did not call him a monster. I was also part of creating that monster. And we do this almost as if it were second nature to sacrifice the better part of our lives for the addiction because at least we feel like we are getting something out of it.

And most certainly, we have something to learn from our situations or we would not all be here on this earth together. Each and everyone one of you on this forum feels like a distant relative to me. The real question is how long will it take to change? Today, another broken heart, maybe ten years, maybe a death, maybe a lifetime, maybe losing our identity, maybe going insane. What will it take to get off the runaway train?

We give into our addictions and patterns because we feel we have the power to change a situation that was partially created by our participation. Change one wheel on the dysfunctional system and the whole dysfunctional system will fall apart. It may go on dysfunctionally without you but that is the only way it will ever change. I had to go back to him ten times- relapsing on the powerful intoxicating chemistry between my ex and me- before I woke up. And it has taken him ten times in two years for him to stay off of heroin. And I may have been a part of something destructive- but at least I was a part of something for a little while and that gave me some comfort. Leaving that world behind means walking on alone for a little while.

So I went back- chased my dragon- and said to myself "this time will be different cause he really loves me and love conquers all and my love will save him and I swear I am not trying to change him or be his mommy he never had." Then he went back- and chased his dragon- and said "oh well its only a beer or its only a bong hit or it's only a pill and at least it's not heroin and at least I can still get high on something and call it something else. Oh and I hope she stays with me because I need a good ego stroking and I need someone to take care of my needs and I need her to validate that what I am doing is okay."

No wonder why we never learn. We convince ourselves that we have made progress and call it by a different name. I know this is part of it and I hope that I have truly escaped the prison of addiction in stages and here is how it goes. First breaking out of the cage (illusion/delusion); running from the guards with big guns (ego, pride, reptilian brain); oh and getting caught and getting sucked back in (all of the second chances); jumping the fence (breaking free, setting boundaries, saying no); and now running for my life (healing, praying, working steps, going no contact); oh and hiding out for a while (not to avoid life but time to grieve, learn how to be alone in your own company, reflect, learn self-love) and finally where are we running to? We are running to put time, distance, and space between us and addiction. Now we can stop running because you made it to the other side of the mountain at last (Recovery).

This is where the real healing begins which is why I laced up my running shoes for the long haul cause I know it's a marathon and I have to pace myself. Welcome to your new life. The one you are meant to have if you get out. All of your reasons to stay are nothing but excuses and they might be good ones but they are all excuses. How can we help someone else "break out of prison" if they don't want to be free or if they refuse to get help. And realistically if they willingly keep going back to that place time and time again based on their actions, why are you trying to bail them out. No one ever learns when someone bails them out. Get out. When they are ready to get help, they will get help and you can be there for them then- maybe. If they don't understand on the other side why you had to run then they are not worth it. For the sake of your life, for your family and friends, for your children, for your future children, for the addicts sake, and for the betterment of the world. Yes, I believe it is that powerful. Today, do something that makes the world a better place and take care of you first. I will not beg my ex to change so I beg you to be the change.

I am in the stage of running for my life and I am half way between him chasing me (and all of my demons) and I am half way to the hills. And I think I am finally safe and out of sight and now am in "hiding." No typical rebound relationships for me this time and no repeating old patterns. If I contact him, let him in again, give him any hope of reuniting at any point within a year of our last contact I know I risk starting again. He may move on. He may not. He may suffer. He may decide that recovery is a good option. He may try to find a way back to me. It is not my business anymore. I forgive him. I forgive me. I will pray with words reaffirming this vow every night until I feel completely free.

The risk of going back to that dark place and losing everything again is just not worth it. I went INSANE and everyone around me knew it. Why would I do that again? I have no delusion that he is all better. I have no delusion that our love will make everything okay. I am keenly aware that the only hope for both of us is to move on. That is love. Nothing in active addiction resembles love. It is only getting high. All you have to do is be an innocent bystander and watch what happens in the cycle. They are the drug. We are the drug. There is no other distinction. Stay with an addict and become an addict and watch the people you love around you get hurt. Leave an addict and watch yourself and maybe the other person heal. Don't worry they will find their way without us as we will find our way. This is how you love an addict and this is how you love yourself. Otherwise it is until death do you part- married to addiction.

Good luck and god speed... Sorry for the rant... But I feel vulnerable and need to stay strong right now... Hope it helps... Many Blessings.. B&B