He apologized, so why do I feel so angry?
Without going in to too much detail, my AH apologized for his rapist comments from 6 weeks ago. He had relapsed over the weekend and I caught him red-handed trying to hide the empties and I pretty much have been pleasant but distant this week. I am trying not to make any decisions in anger so I'm just getting to as many meetings as I can and trying to decide how I want to proceed. I figure I already let my boundary get crossed, I can just change my boundary or extend it in my own mind.
Anyway, enough about that. While he was apologizing I was getting angrier and angrier. I felt torn between wanting to believe the sincerity of it and then wondering what was really behind it all. Then, I got frustrated because I thought: That's it? That's the only thing you want to apologize for? So, I delicately brought up the 'you got caught with the alcohol' thing and he blew me off and said, "Well, that's something we can work on with the therapist when we meet with them. I just wanted to apologize for my comments. I know I hurt you deeply and that wasn't my intention." Then I pointed out that he stuck by these comments for the 3 times that I challenged him about them and that each time he added more crap on to them to make me feel worse. I know, I know....Probably the wrong way to handle it but I was getting more and more angry, LOL. I did eventually just say that I accept the apology and that I was thankful for it and I walked out of the room. Soon after, I dropped the anger. I realized that I still don't trust him, and that that's OK. It's all OK and that's been something I'm really working on coming to terms with.
He had mentioned that he was lonely and he slept in our bed last night for the first time in months so I'm wondering what his motivation is? Is he really making amends or is he trying to get me to forget about the relapse?
I went to 3 meetings this week, met with my sponsor, and met with my therapist this week and I realized that I am in control of ME. He is on his own path so I finally dropped the anger and tried taking responsibility for ME this time. It's amazing how crazy our own thinking gets and how we have to learn to trust ourselves through this journey. I am very grateful for the lessons I'm learning today, I know it's shaping me for my future whatever that may hold!