Thanks for all of your advice and support, i really do appreciate you taking the time to reply. Its so odd how i know that its not good for our little girl to be in an environment with an alcoholic parent, and i know im playing the perpetrator rescuer game....In my head i know all these things are right, but i cant seem to stick to my guns and put that boundary in. I left, as i did last year, see a glimmer of hope, and then go back. I feel in a position now that i should again say no, enough is enough. But i feel so guilty that yet again ive confused our poor little girl. Ive just been offered a great job with prospects, the first decent job for about 6 years, which would mean a good salary etc and i would be able to provide a decent life for myself and my daughter. Im so worried that i will leave again, start this job, and because of access he will have, i will hardly get to see her. when i left before, she got upset when she had to go and see him, because she didnt want to leave me. When we are all together, she loves being with him. She is quite clingy towards me. So i worry that i will have to wave her off to go spend the weekend with him when i wont see much of her monday to friday, and feel sad that she is upset to leave me.
Tonight, i did something i shouldnt have. He went to have his hair cut, it took an hour and a half, i called him as he was a little late to see if he was on the way home, and if he could pick up some milk. I didnt quiz him accusingly, just said 'that haircut took a long time, are you on your way home'. He didnt react well to the 'questioning'. Then i was upstairs, i went in his bag to check for washing, i found a used condom wrapped in tissue. We dont use condoms. When he came in, he was agitated at the question on the phone. I couldnt understand why as it was only last week he had got drunk, so i did in my mind think perhaps he has been drinking before he gets home, as that is the usual pattern, hide it from me.
I then asked him, quite calmly, what the condom was doing in the bag. Said it was an old one, used to pleasure himself whilst in the clinic. and if i didnt believe him i could have it dna tested! He went to his car, came back slurring and blurry. He drank half a litre of vodka in five mins. Said it was my fault as id laid all this on him. But he bought the vodka on the way home, purely because id asked why he had been so long. Things went from bad to worse, and ive been called all the names under the sun, how he will go out and sleep with lots of women who want him, in a crude way, i dont love him, our relationship is in tatters because of both of us, not just him, but i do sincerely believe i wasnt as good a partner because his alcoholism pushed me away. He's tried threatening to smash the tv, and insulted me so much. Thankfully as i told him i would enter into conversation no more he has gone to bed and i can sit in peace. So im left with the decision, tomorrow, i believe i should go back to my mums home where my daughter and i have been living for the last few months. And i will feel so awful when she says where is daddy etc. And feel guilty for not being the supportive partner, like some partners are, who stick by their alcoholic other halves. I spoke to his counseller tonight, who is concerned as he has not stuck by the agreement to see her weekly or twice weekly, as opposed to attending al anon or n/a which he wont do. Its part of his plan, and the condition of us being together. I jumped back in too soon.