Thanks everyone for the encouragement and suggestions!!
I will defo keep in recovery. I said to my sponsor last night that I think I'm only in the programme to make other people happy, she said if that's all I have at the moment, then it's good enough. Going through the step 1 questions is really making me see how out of control I was. bbthumper, you are right that I should really get a move on with the steps if I want to make real progress in the programme, I've only been attending meetings so far, and not doing service or much fellowship. But the idea that I just have to kind of stick at it and get through this depression is driving me mad.
I'm learning more about the psychological side of addiction, which has explained a lot of things. Like getting physical withdrawal symptoms just before a meeting, is my brain telling me not to go. It's quite scary how powerful my addiction is. Nonblondechef, I see what you mean about the 'beast'. And some days I don't think I have enough fight in me. Today is one of those days. I like what you say though soulgypsy about if i can do 27, i can do another 27. I could do it. It's scary but I know I could if I put my mind to it.
Bluegem I think if I was signed off I would try and concentrate on building back up my physical health, and working more on the programme. But I guess I would get more anxious the more I was out of the office. Although it's hard, at least I'm trapped in work so I can't drink! And I'm lucky to have my job, I have an understanding boss.
Thanks everyone for the encouragement, its really useful on a wobbly day like today!