OK Liz two points,
First, I completely hear you when you say you have accepted your role as a doormat and how that contributed to the problems in the marriage. How are you or have you changed that behavior? Do your actions clearly show him that you will be a doormat no more?
Second, I think the we, as codies, work on ourselves to get healthy for one reason - to get healthy. To have the expectation that this will result in a healthy marriage is the same as trying to control our AH's drinking and bad behavior - at least it seems the same in my mind. It sounds to me that you're thinking that if you are healthy, he will change into what you want him to be as a husband. Have you thought about what your driving force to get healthy really is?
Here's a story about something that happened to me just yesterday that I think touches on that second point:
My STBXAH will be staying at our now vacant home when he comes back from out of state for a protection order hearing and maybe some divorce meetings. I told my dear friend that I thought I would make up the couch that is still there with sheets, put some food in the fridge, etc.. for when he arrives. She looked at me like I had 3 heads. "WHY, would you do THAT?" she asked. "I guess just to be nice and show good will" I said. Knowing me as she does she said "Sorry sister, you are thinking that if you do something nice that he will behave while he is here and won't frighten you or drink." She was absolutely right. I was still trying to control him and thinking I could somehow manage the situation to my expectations.
Our brains have been re-wired by codependency. We must make extra efforts to stay on track. Sometimes I need my really honest friend to tell it to me like it is. Thank goodness for her.
I'm rooting for you Liz,
MamaKit